toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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