I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
