why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Is it because I queefed?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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