I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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