I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
