you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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