Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
