I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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