if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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