So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
