My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
