Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
