Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
