I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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