her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
