Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
