Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
