Tell her she can't have a vagina
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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