Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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