dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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