Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
