I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
