operation have a gay friend backfired
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
