So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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