I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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