I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
