I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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