i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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