i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
