Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
