we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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