I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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