i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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