I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
