Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
