they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
