Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
