My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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