He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
