sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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