my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
