Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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