apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
