FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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