He had one of those small greek statue penises
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it's like iHOP with fire
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
