I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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