Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I touched a dick in church today
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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