Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you inspire me to be a worse person
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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