at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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