I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
