Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize