I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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