THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
