i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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