Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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