Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
