I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize