Will you blow on my dice?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
