Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize