nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
