tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't deserve a penis
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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