defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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