You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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